Testostoboost
Coming to your nearest health food store sometime in the future
By A.J. Russo
Maybe you’ve seen the commercial on ESPN.
Young woman (5’7” tall), muscles rippling, in a bikini, along the beach with a young male doctor (6’3” tall), abs looking like curved waves on a stormy day.
Woman:
I was underweight and it was so embarrassing. Then I tried testostoboost, America’s number one weight and muscle gain supplement and I put on 7 pounds in just three short weeks, all in my chest and hips. Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention, I’m fifty-eight years old.
Man:
And I gained twenty-seven pounds of muscle in just two months. Guess how old I am? Forty-seven. Amazing, huh? And, oh yeah, two years ago I was five feet-five inches tall. Now I’m six-three … and I owe it all to testostoboost.
Thank goodness we overturned all those silly laws, years ago. You remember, when steroid and human growth hormone use by pro athletes was illegal, and spying on other teams while they practiced was unsportsmanlike.
All that anxiety experienced by Hall of Famer, Roger Clemens, and his wife, not to mention the legal fees. And what about the exorbitant amount of time Congress spent trying to find out who had taken the drugs—more time than it took the legislature to socialize medicine.
At least now, pro athletes can be responsible for their own drug use. After all, they’re just entertainers. Back in the day, you didn’t hear anyone wondering why professional wrestlers were so big. How old was Hulk Hogan when he wrestled anyway? And let’s not forget pro athletes are adults. Thankfully, we finally came to our senses and realized that these competitors should be able to decide for themselves what they do to their bodies. Smoking is still legal, right?
With training, anabolic steroids stimulate muscle tissue to grow and “bulk up”, possibly improving endurance and strength, by mimicking the effect of naturally produced testosterone. No wonder these drugs legal.
Athletes are smart enough to understand the long term effects of ‘roids, like premature hair loss, dizziness, mood swings, including anger, aggression, and depression, hallucinating, extreme feelings of mistrust or paranoia, insomnia, nausea and vomiting, trembling, high blood pressure that can damage the heart or blood vessels over time, aching joints, greater chance of injuring muscles and tendons, jaundice or yellowing of the skin; liver damage, urinary problems, increased risk of developing heart disease, stroke, impotence, sterility, and some types of cancer. And now, after years of fighting and negotiating with team owners, health related pension plans for retired pros can pay for all the post-traumatic hospitalizations and pre-mature deaths.
And remember Spy-Gate? Seems so long ago when pro teams practiced without swat teams guarding the entrances to their practice fields.
After discovering the Patriots had been spying on their opponents since Belichick took over around the turn of the century, it was obvious that regulating this undercover work was virtually impossible. Some teams have even begun to make spying part of their pre-game strategy, showing formations in pre-game and then fooling their opponents by not using them in the actual contest.
It is puzzling, however, that the incidence of steroid use and unsportsmanlike behavior has increased so dramatically among youth athletes. Since Congress has freed up so much of their time, maybe they can find time to study this problem.
